Every Bad Pitch We’ve Ever Had

“Hi, my name is Nick, I’m the CEO of ‘Not Another Startup’, and I’m about to waste your time.

Who here is a human and shares human qualities? Happiness? Frustration? Anger? Am I right? What if you could change that?

In this day and age, consumers and clients just don’t have the resources and ability to engage with multiple stakeholders, cross-jurisdictional and intra-sector, resulting in dynamic and unresolved pain points that simply cost businesses both time and money. And also, time equals money.

24% of organisations highlight this as one of the least important problems they face, while 88% of companies admit that they’ve never really considered this as a problem, or considered it at all.

Until now.

We are ‘Not Another Startup’: we are a platform that provides a fresh, new, innovative and disruptive approach to a problem that barely exists. But that’s not the only thing that barely exists: we are currently beta-testing and expect to go live when we develop the tech and/or we all quit our day jobs.

So how does it work?

Well, first, I’m going to over-elaborate on the user-experience. Then, I’m going to oversimplify or skip over the tech. Spoiler Alert: ALGORITHMS.

So how really does it work?

Step 1: User purchases a Smart Device and/or computer.

Step 2: Using the digital keypad and human dexterity, start typing: http://www.notanotherstartup.com

Step 3: Click enter.

Step 4: Search for the mode of choice.

Step 5: Profit.

It is just that simple. In 5 short steps, you’ve performed a basic function that returns an easier, simpler and less noisy output. All with a device you carry around in your pocket, and basic human intelligence.

And by the way, did I mention: Machine Learning, AI, deep tech, VR/AR, robotics and disruptive innovation?

Our business model is simple: we operate a straightforward S&P: Spray and Pray. First we approached businesses, then consumers, now currently speaking to governments and we may even return to businesses to ask if they can reconsider.

We’re still exploring our price point, but we expect it to be grossly overpriced or free, depending on how much money our prospective clients have. What matters is the person we’re speaking to, not the market value nor the impact of the product. But let’s just go with 5% commission structure and flat rate subscription of 100$ USD per month, per business/user.

Sounds good right? But how much money can this actually make?

Well the market is huge. There are 7 billion people in this world, and that number is expected to grow. We’re currently validating the market with the 4 people I live with, and plan to scale to all left-handed, Sagittarius-born Millennials in our neighbourhood in the next few weeks.

In terms of traction, we are currently speaking to/emailing 6 large corporates, 4 of which got back to us and asked us to stop emailing. This means it’s working. We’re expecting the other 2 to come back to us any day now. We’ve been told we’re valuable customers to them and that customer support is available 24/7.  We also have a combined total of 467 friends on social media (including but not limited to Facebook, Instagram, Twitter), and garnered several ‘likes’.

Currently there are no competitors in the market doing EXACTLY what we do. While some players exist in the space (Google, Bing, Yahoo to name a few), none of them offer the same ORIGINALITY as us, and we’re cooler. Plus: price point, user interface, and machine learning/disruptive innovation.

Take a look at our team. They all have faces and 3 out of 4 of them went to University. This is the CTO, he actually studied engineering so he can code. Our marketing guy likes social media and I’m the CEO: I like to talk. We are all hustlers.

We’re currently looking for some money, to keep our dream alive and that’s how startups work right? Here’s a pie chart to show where that money will go for the next 6 months. We’ll look for some more money after that.

Thank-you for sitting through the last 5 minutes and checking your emails, I look forward to avoiding your questions and offering my pre-prepared responses.

One final rhetorical question? Why not?”

If you want to improve your pitch, if you want to be hear, take a look at our insights on The Art of Pitching. Here’s a good example of a pitch!

Disclaimer: Seedstars encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on Seedstars are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of Seedstars.